Let us begin by finding out exactly what a collision is. In my book, We Collide, I discuss relational collisions and point out how brokenness can hinder personal growth and development for an individual and their relationships. A collision is an offense that has escalated to unmanaged conflict, and from the examples presented in my book, we find that unmanaged or mismanaged conflict can push anyone to a breaking point. Ultimately, when we become intentional about our personal growth, we will soon experience growth beyond previous collisions and eventually learn that most collisions do not even have to happen. But for all the times collisions do occur, I would like to offer this list for dealing with them.

As soon as you realize a collision is about to happen or has already happened:

1. Ask yourself, “What am I reacting to?” Were you triggered by someone’s words, their tone, or maybe even a familiarity in the setting around you? Be reasonable enough to investigate what is triggering a reaction from you in the moment. This will call for you to be quick on your feet. To reflect quicker than you react. The sooner you identify the trigger, the quicker you can manage yourself and the collision before things get out of hand. Identifying the trigger will lead you down a path that points to a bigger target. The trigger is not the problem. The trigger is a symptom of the problem. Let’s see where following the trigger takes us.
2. Ask yourself, “What is my involvement with this current issue?” This is the moment when you seek to gain understanding after identifying the trigger. Is the triggering issue about something else, someone else, or you? In most cases when you follow the path of the trigger, it will reveal the actual source of your pain. That pain will either be some traumatic experience (something else), the person who made the traumatic experience happen (someone else), or it will point back to you if the trauma was a result of your own mistake or poor choices (you). Gaining this level of understanding will help you to realize whether you have a stake in this current collision or not. If the revelation of your pain is not even related to what is currently going on, then do not compound the issue. Stay present. Be sure to listen and pay attention to what is currently happening. The other person should not have to deal with the pain of your past in this moment if they have nothing to do with it. Deal with the issue at hand, which very well may not even have anything to do with you. It could simply be all about the other person or a different matter altogether. Now, let’s look at how we react.
3. Ask yourself, “How can I manage my reaction?” Now that we know how important it is to stay present, without compounding or escalating the issue, we still must learn to control how we respond in the moment. Instead of adding fuel to the fire by arguing or fighting, and instead of shutting down and walking away from the conflict without resolution, take charge of your own posture by conducting your behavior in a more appropriate manner. Maybe suggest that it would be wise for everyone to take a moment to gather themselves, if emotions are high. This will be extremely hard for those who argue for sport and could care less about a resolution. Make it your business to elevate the importance of the relationship (professional or personal) over the confusion of the moment. Then, take action. Write your feelings in a journal. Meditate. Go for a walk. Talk to an objective person who knows you. In fifteen minutes or less, do what you can to manage your stress levels so that you can continue the discussion. Cooler heads do prevail and a break in the discussion could lead you to other reflections.
4. Ask yourself, “What other feelings or memories come to the surface during my time of reflection?” As you reflect further on how this moment is making you feel, you may discover that a flood of memories may come to the surface because of the intensity of the conflict. Whether or not there was a traumatic experience related to the current issue, conflict has a way of triggering feelings of dread. That feeling of dread could lead to an emotional overload. Do what you can to focus yourself, your response, and your tone on the current matter. What you are doing now is trying to achieve balance as you work through the intensity. Sometimes, all it takes is for the energy of the moment to tip you over the edge. This is an opportunity for you to exemplify the kind of calm, controlled, and consistent non-verbal response that will set the tone going forward. Not only will you maintain your balance, but you are charging the atmosphere with calmness as well.
5. Ask yourself, “Is my communication the best it could be at this time?” Maybe this current issue is not a direct reflection of something that you went through. Perhaps, it triggered your feelings about how you deal with difficulty in general. Conflict is just that, a moment in time where it is difficult to communicate with others or difficult to understand others. I often remind people that communicating is not always an easy transaction. There are times when we are lazy about conveying what we mean. There are times when we project our feelings onto others when those feelings are irrelevant to the matter at hand. There are times when we are not even listening to the other person, because we are either formulating a response already in our minds or we have shut down due to the level of difficulty. There are so many reasons why our communication may not be its best in this moment. Again, stay present. Keep listening. Ask questions if you do not understand something and do your best to be clear when you do get a chance to respond.
6. Ask yourself, “Have I considered the other person’s position or feelings?” Now, this question is a difficult one to answer, especially if we had nothing to do with the inception of the collision. Based on our own level of maturity, if we have already been offended, we may not be so inclined to be considerate of the other person’s feelings. We may not care about their triggers, past trauma, balance, or how well they manage intense situations. Honestly, there are times when we do not have to care about their state of mind or well-being. In moments when the current issue is beyond offensive and our personal safety, or that of others, is at stake, our protection is top priority. But in other moments where there is no threat, it does not hurt to show some compassion toward the other person, who may not have either the same maturity as you or exemplify the same level of balance in the middle of conflict as you do.
7. Finally, ask yourself, “How should I deal with it?” In the moment, make the mature decision to manage the offense in the best way possible for all parties involved. The solution should not just be about you and what matters most to you – unless your safety is at stake. This decision should minimize the emotion, bring clarity to the confusion, and offer solutions that can immediately satisfy the highest priority. This does not always have to take a long time to do. Once all the confusion and chaos is eliminated by the previous steps, getting to the best option for moving forward can be easier to achieve. For a long-term solution, you may need more time to create a plan of action. It may include other people or more un-biased inputs. Do not be afraid to take the time necessary to work it out. Some issues need more involvement. Do not rush the process because it is uncomfortable or inconvenient.

Remember, the collision you are in may not have anything to do with you. You are not responsible for the trauma and dysfunction of others even as it overlaps into your space. But we still must check ourselves because of the reaction we had. Seek to be healthy in your responses. Seek to be in control of your overall health so that you maintain emotional balance on a regular basis.

Furthermore, I must offer this guidance when considering that some of our triggers are rooted in the worst kinds of trauma. If a violation has left you feeling shameful, remember that the shame and the guilt of the offense is not your own. At the time of the violent offense, there was an illegal transfer of ownership through emotional manipulation. People often want to dump their brokenness onto their victims. You may not have been able to keep them from hurting you, but you do not have to accept their guilt and shame as your own. It is important that we do our best to handle our own stuff so that we do not do the same to others. Trauma, under any circumstance, can be extensively and negatively impactful and learning to heal from it takes extensive effort. This effort, oftentimes, will require much more time than it took for the trauma to occur in the first place.

These 7 steps may not always be relevant in every situation. But they will help guide you to a place of introspection where you are challenged to deal with your contribution, if any, to the collision that is about to happen or is currently happening. Perhaps this will encourage you to take every opportunity to modify your reaction and actions accordingly. Make an intentional decision to maintain or increase your personal growth, so that when a collision occurs it will not take you by surprise or take you too long to regain balance.